An Exercise in Self-Losing

Most of us…wait, all of us…think too highly of ourselves.

Well, don’t we?

I’m currently on a cross country exploration (with “country” signifying the U.S.A.).

What am I exploring?

The idea of potential repatriation, but perhaps a better explanation is that it’s a journey, or an exercise in self-losing.

Not self-loathing, mind you…as I’ve already done more than my fair share of that.

Right now I’m in Portland.

I just debarked from Amtrak yesterday afternoon, so the jury is definitely still out. Looks nice enough.

I haven’t even been to Voodoo Doughnut, yet. Oh, yea, I’m headed there today!

My stay in Portland will be partly in a hostel and partly couch surfing in homes of real people. I’ve never done anything like that.

One thing I quickly noticed here, in Portland, as well as the U.S. in general (also visited New York!), is that people really don’t care. Back in Costa Rica I was “the gringo.” Here I’m just another schmuck who’s arrived on the scene…not really welcome to anyone’s party.

And that’s OK. In fact, that’s good for me.

You see, I’m trying to figure out exactly who the fuck I am…

and where I belong.

But those very thoughts betray a psychological problem we all face.

We think we’re someone, when we’re not.

Isn’t it true?

Bob Dylan once wrote that “when you ain’t got nothing, you got nothing to lose.”

Well, I’m almost there and it feels like a mixture of panic and bliss…with moments of each fading in and out.

I believe the ego, or the hallucinatory thought of a self worthy of guarding, gets in the way of our impacting the world in ways that, well, the world needs.

We need each other…not a bunch of selves running around, frantically trying to prove how worthy they are of the admiration of everyone else.

The “mine is bigger than yours” mentality that tends to pervade western, developed, cultural consciousness.

An exercise in self-losing, hopefully, will at least nudge me further along the path of letting go of these delusional ideas, which I still harbour to a lesser extent than in my past…

but that linger on nonetheless.

We’ll just have to see how much progress I can really make, as the self will only go kicking and screaming!

Also, try not thinking at all from time to time…it’s actually quite refreshing.

I’ll be blogging a lot about my journey…

stay tuned!